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Par For the Course
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 When I turned 50, things started happening I hadn’t planned on. Within days of my birthday I got an application to join AARP — the Association for the Advancement of Retired Persons. I was mortified. Who gave them my name? I thought 50 was the new 40 or, if you’re in really good shape, the new 35. Who am I kidding? Crouching down to line up a putt hurts my back —and legs. And even if I wanted to, I probably couldn’t walk and carry my bag anymore because the sheer weight of all of my improvement gadgets is way too heavy. Here are some other things I’ve noticed about playing golf after the age of 50: • I take Advil before, during and after a round. • I continue to scoff at guys who have plugs on the end of their putter to retrieve balls out of the hole because these are the same guys who won’t bend over to fix their pitch marks on the green. • I know stretching and other exercises will help me hit the ball farther, but it was easier to buy a longer shaft for my driver to accomplish the same thing. • When I have to carry a water hazard, I’ve learned that it’s better to hit one more club than lose two more balls. • I’ve learned that the ball I can see in the rough 50 yards away is never mine. • I’d like to lobby for a senior rule stating that any ball in gnarly, thick rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. Why should we be penalized for tall grass the groundskeeper failed to mow because of sheer laziness? • I’ve learned that golfers over 50 who still throw clubs should adhere to the advice of the late Tommy Bolt, who said, “Throwing your club backwards or sideways is wrong. Throw it forward, that way you don’t have to walk any extra distance to retrieve it.” • I’ve learned that golf and sex are the only two things you can enjoy even if you’re not very good at either one. • I’ve learned that golf is like marriage. If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work, and both are expensive. In golf you get a free drop — not so when a marriage goes bad. • I’ve learned if you really want to be good at golf, go back and start at an earlier age. Everyone I know who’s been playing since they were a kid are pretty good golfers. • I’ve also learned that I’m truly lucky to be alive. Somehow I survived a mother who forced me to go outside and play in the summer and allowed me to experience life’s ups and downs without excessive pampering. I went through phases of freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and somehow me and my friends learned how to deal with it all. Looking back, I now realize that you never own a good golf swing, you just rent it. No matter how badly you play, you could play worse, and of all the sports I’ve played — and I’ve played most of them — nothing is as frustrating and satisfying as golf. The best part of being a “senior golfer” is that the older you get, the more you know who you are and what you like. Now when I play golf, I have a Callaway sunglasses case that doubles as an iPod speaker, which allows me to listen to tunes on the course (lots of Bob Marley and classic rock). I also have a Drink Caddie, which looks like a driver but actually pumps the liquid of my choice through the driver head. And I always bring enough cigars for everyone. Advil, too. Eric Tracy is also known as The Mulligan Man. He can be reached at eric@themulliganman.com. |
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