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GOLF RESOURCE GUIDE:
Stuff and Nonsense
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 (Illustration: John Cheresh) There was the order form on the screen—two boxes of nifty brand-name golf balls, on sale, nice and cheap, and they came with complimentary personalization. Personalized golf balls! This was something new, exotic even. Until that moment, I thought that if my golf balls had something on them other than a pair of blue stripes and scuff marks, I was in tall cotton. I was thrilled if the printing on the balls didn’t have a bunch of big Xs over it. But now I was facing the prospect of receiving two dozen pristine balls with a message of my choosing printed on them, in neat block capital letters and in a selection of colors. Three lines, a maximum of 17 characters per line. After nearly an hour of doodling and rejecting several marginally clever three-liners, I settled for my name. I entered my credit card info, clicked “submit,” and a few days later I unwrapped two boxes of shiny new golf balls printed with my name in green. Big deal. There was no fun in those balls. No wit. Nothing that would bring a big smile to the face of, say, a course marshal who came upon one of them one day, buried deep in some faraway bracken, miles from the nearest green, almost obscured by jungly vegetation. The only thing he’d see would be the two-word ID of the yokel who hit the shot in the first place. The only talk it would stimulate would be a forlorn comment back in the pro shop: “Wasn’t that the guy we advised to give up the game?” On the other hand, imagine how the marshal’s day would perk up if, instead of a block-letter monogram, the ball said something like: HIT ME AGAIN! HARDER YOU BEAST! MAKE ME LOVE IT! Or something a bit friendlier: HIT ME TRUE AND I’LL WIN FOR YOU. BURMA SHAVE Or something for the optimistic playing partner: YOUR BALL’S OVER THERE IN A COLD AND WATERY GRAVE Fun, right? And the possibilities are almost endless: three lines, 17 characters per line, max. If that idea makes you covet a box or two of your own personalized golf balls, why not get ‘em for free? All you have to do is submit your best idea for a three-line message for inclusion in this column in a future issue. If yours is one of the messages we pick, we’ll credit you in the column and set you up with two boxes of name-brand balls printed with the message of your choice. Nuts and bolts to keep in mind: No more than three lines, no more than 17 characters per line (spaces and punctuation count as characters). The messages are printed in block capitals. Keep it reasonably clean. Remember to include your name and contact information with your submission. If your submission is chosen, we’ll be in touch and soon thereafter you’ll be slicing your own personalized balls into oblivion, to be found (it’s fate) by someone in need of a good laugh. Submit your entry via email to Southland Golf magazine at blichterman@churmmedia.com. |
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IT WAS CLUBED
LIKE A BABY SEAL
| Comment at 2/16/2012 |
I CAME
I SAW
I SHANKED
| Comment at 2/16/2012 |
WHAP..!
SHAZAMM...
THAT HURT!!!
| Comment at 2/16/2012 |
YOU KNOW YOU LUV ME,
YOU THINK IM PRETTY,
NOW HIT ME, DAMNIT!
| Comment at 2/16/2012 |
I THINK THE CLUBBED LIKE A BABY SEAL ONE IS HORRIBLE AND WOULD BE A SHAME TO EVER BE USED.
| Comment at 2/16/2012 |
YOU WANT A PIECE
OF THIS?
GO FOR IT..!!
| Comment at 2/16/2012 |
YOU GOT GAME??
GO FOR IT!!
| Comment at 2/16/2012 |
IT TAKES BALLS
TO PLAY GOLF
THE WAY I DO
| Comment at 2/17/2012 |
IT TAKES A LOT OF
BALLS TO PLAY
GOLF THE WAY I DO
| Comment at 2/17/2012 |
